We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
