Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
