Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Randomize
