Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
