why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
