you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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