Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
