I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I will pee on everything he values.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
