I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
