If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I just had sex on a roof
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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