Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
