one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
