On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize