im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize