i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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