I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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