Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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