I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
