He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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