You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
