I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Randomize
