I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
