i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
