you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
