next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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