So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
