So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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