great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
