i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Randomize
