i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
two words...techno handjob
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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