two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
