im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
