Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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