I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
