Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
