We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
