My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
