Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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