I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
