ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
