I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
