Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Im part way to drunk.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
