I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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