oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
