thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
