Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
