Pappa wants mamma naked
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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