Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
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