He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize