I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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