After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
