Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
