Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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