nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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