Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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