Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
