trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
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