dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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