this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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