If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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