Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Randomize
