Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
