You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
