i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
