Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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